
Childhood trauma

Types of childhood trauma
Understanding the different types of childhood trauma can help you recognise patterns in your own experience. These categories often overlap, and many people experienced multiple types of abuse or neglect.
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Any inappropriate sexual contact, exposure, or behaviour involving a child.
Examples include:
Inappropriate touching or being touched inappropriately
Being exposed to sexual content, images, or adult sexual behaviour
Being photographed or filmed in sexual situations
Verbal sexual comments or "jokes" directed at you as a child
Being forced or coerced into sexual acts
Inappropriate boundaries around privacy, bathing, or changing
Sexual Abuse by Other Children: Sexual abuse perpetrated by another child often feels different at the time - it may seem more exploratory or normalised because the age gap is closer. However, it's important to recognise that there's often still a power imbalance between the children involved, and the harm done is real regardless of the perpetrator's age.
Just because the perpetrator was young and may have had limited understanding themselves doesn't make them less of a perpetrator - there are simply different layers to their identity, experience, and intentions. In our therapeutic work, we acknowledge these nuances whilst focusing primarily on the impact those actions have had on you.
Protective Narratives: Many survivors develop protective narratives around their experiences: "If it wasn't that harmful, then I'm not broken. If I'm not broken, then I have a future and I'm whole." We acknowledge and work with these protective narratives, understanding that they served a purpose whilst also exploring how the experiences may have affected you, even if the harm wasn't immediately apparent at the time.
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Any intentional physical harm or threat of harm to a child.
Examples include:
Hitting, slapping, punching, or kicking beyond reasonable discipline
Throwing objects at you or threatening to hurt you physically
Burning, biting, or other forms of physical harm
Withholding food, water, or medical care as punishment
Physical restraint that goes beyond safety needs
Threatening violence even if not carried out
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This is violence. Emotional abuse is not "less than" physical or sexual abuse - it causes profound and lasting harm to a child's developing sense of self and worth.
Examples include:
Persistent criticism, humiliation, or verbal attacks
Name-calling, insults, or being told you're worthless, stupid, or unwanted
Threats of abandonment ("I'm going to leave you here")
Extreme controlling behaviour or isolation from friends and activities
Using guilt, shame, or fear to manipulate your behaviour
Withholding love or affection as punishment
Comparing you negatively to others consistently
Dismissing or invalidating your emotions ("You're too sensitive")
Gaslighting - making you question your own reality or memories
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Exposure to violence between adults or towards others in your environment.
Examples include:
Witnessing domestic violence between parents or caregivers
Seeing one parent physically, emotionally, or sexually abuse the other
Being present during violent arguments, threats, or intimidation
Witnessing violence in your community or neighbourhood
Exposure to a parent's mental health crises, including suicidal behaviour
Living with a parent's substance abuse and the chaos that often accompanies it
Seeing siblings or other family members being abused
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When a child is inappropriately elevated into an adult role and expected to provide emotional or practical care that should come from adults. While parentification isn't always recognised as trauma in its own right, it can often be a secondary effect of other trauma and is very much harmful in its impact.
Examples include:
Being your parent's emotional confidant or therapist
Having adult problems and worries shared with you inappropriately
Being expected to care for younger siblings as if you were the parent
Managing household responsibilities that should be handled by adults
Mediating between parents during conflicts
Being expected to manage a parent's emotions or mental health
Having your own childhood needs ignored whilst you care for others
Being treated as a peer rather than a child who needs guidance and protection
This is trauma because: You lose your childhood and are exposed to adult concerns and responsibilities when you need protection, care, and age-appropriate guidance yourself.
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The failure to meet a child's basic physical, emotional, or developmental needs.
Examples include:
Lack of adequate food, clothing, shelter, or medical care
Emotional unavailability or consistent lack of attention
Failure to provide age-appropriate supervision or protection
Not responding to your emotional needs or distress
Leaving you alone for inappropriate periods
Failing to provide educational opportunities or support
Ignoring signs that you were being harmed by others
Not celebrating achievements or acknowledging milestones

How childhood trauma shows up in your adult life
Children's brains are designed to adapt to their environment for survival. When that environment includes threat, unpredictability, or emotional unavailability, the developing brain makes adaptations that serve the child in that context but create difficulties in adult life.
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Lack of healthy relationship models
One of the most significant ways childhood trauma affects adult life is through the absence of healthy relationship templates. When you were focused on surviving your childhood, you didn't have the opportunity to learn how to build and maintain safe, healthy relationships as an adult.
Replicating learned patterns
Your relationship history often reflects what you learned as a child about how to behave in relationships, how to receive love, how to earn love, and what behaviours might be punished. These patterns can show up as:
Accepting treatment that mirrors childhood dynamics
Believing you must earn love through performance or caretaking
Expecting punishment or rejection when you express needs
Recreating familiar but unhealthy relationship patterns
Boundary and trust difficulties
Either rigid boundaries that keep everyone at distance or no boundaries at all
Difficulty saying no or advocating for your needs
Difficulty trusting others' motives or consistency, expecting betrayal or abandonment
Testing relationships through pushing people away or creating conflict
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Perfectionism
Impossibly high standards for yourself and sometimes others
Fear that any mistake will result in rejection or failure
Difficulty delegating or accepting help
Imposter Syndrome
Persistent feeling that you don't deserve your success
Fear of being "found out" as inadequate or fraudulent
Difficulty accepting praise or recognition
People-pleasing
Excessive focus on others' needs at expense of your own
Difficulty with conflict or disappointing others
Exhaustion from constantly managing others' emotions
Hypervigilance at work
Constant scanning for signs of danger or disapproval from colleagues or supervisors
Difficulty relaxing or feeling genuinely safe in professional environments
Exhaustion from perpetual alertness to potential threats
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Internal critic
Harsh, persistent self-criticism that goes beyond proportionate self-reflection
Difficulty with self-compassion or treating yourself kindly
Tendency to blame yourself for others' behaviour or reactions
Internal voice that's far more critical than what would be considered proportionate
Core beliefs about worth
Deep-seated beliefs about being unworthy, unlovable, or fundamentally flawed
Persistent sense that you're "too much" or "not enough" - often both at the same time
Difficulty accepting genuine care or positive feedback
Feeling like you have to earn the right to exist or take up space
Emotional disconnection
Difficulty identifying what you're feeling in the moment
Tendency to intellectualise emotions rather than feel them
Numbness or disconnection from your body and physical sensations
Either being overwhelmed by emotions or feeling completely numb
Identity confusion
Difficulty knowing who you are beyond roles and achievements
Sense of being empty or hollow inside despite external success
Feeling like you're performing a version of yourself rather than being authentic
Struggling to identify your own needs, wants, and preferences
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Chronic stress responses
Overactive threat detection system that interprets neutral situations as threatening
Difficulty distinguishing between real and perceived danger
Physical symptoms like chronic tension, headaches, digestive issues
Sleep difficulties and hypervigilance even in safe environments
Emotional regulation difficulties
Intense emotional reactions that seem disproportionate to current situations
Difficulty managing stress and overwhelming emotions
Tendency to either feel everything intensely or nothing at all
Problems with impulse control and decision-making under stress
Memory and concentration issues
Fragmented or incomplete memories of childhood
Difficulty with concentration and attention
Problems with learning and memory consolidation
Feeling like your mind goes blank under pressure

Treatment principles for childhood trauma
Everything is figureoutable
A lot of people who’ve been through childhood trauma describe shame and embarrassment about not having “life skills” or “adulting skills”. Anything from labelling and expressing emotions, to navigating taxes, knowing who you are, or how to date can feel daunting and like you are cosplaying as an adult. You don’t have those skills because while other kids were playing, exploring, and learning, you were trying to survive your childhood. Having limited adulting skills was the price for making it out alive. I treat this as a skills and knowledge issue, not a character defect. And that is completely fixable. We are learning a skill like any other. It’ll be clunky, awkward, and you’ll probably feel a bit stupid until you figure out a way of doing those skills your way.
When harm happened in relationships, the healing also needs to happen in relationships
Kids are so vulnerable to harm. (Exhibit A: What other animal needs their grapes cut in half, so they don’t choke to death?) Yet the very people who were meant to love and protect you hurt you or exposed you to harm. Saying you have “trust issues” lays the blame at your door when people have not only been NOT trustworthy but actively harmful and exploitative. Whilst mistrust is understandable and valid, it doesn’t apply to everyone and we may choose to have close relationships as part of a meaningful life. This is where the therapeutic relationship comes in. It is a “practice relationship”, kind of what a swimming pool is to swimming the English Channel.
We create a safe place where you can test out:
Healthy communication and conflict resolution
Expressing needs and setting boundaries
Asking questions that will be met with patience and no judgement
Experimenting with vulnerability and checking how it feels
Learning through experience rather than theory alone
When it’s done right, the therapy space will give you an experience of relational safety, healthy attachment and boundaries. Trauma has set the bar for what acceptable behaviour is towards you. Spoiler: It is in hell. While we are unlikely to defend ourselves as fiercely as our loved ones (that bar is set correctly!), we want to get close to that.
