Reconnecting with your needs after trauma: A No-Bullshit guide
Reading time: 5 minutes
The Trauma Survival Paradox ▮▮▮▯▯▯▯▯▯▯ 30%
Trauma, whether from abuse or neglect, forces an impossible choice: Someone else's needs or your own survival.
This isn't actually a choice. It's coercion.
You learned to prioritize others' needs to avoid punishment, gain conditional safety, or receive scraps of what passed for "love" or "acceptance"—all contingent on your compliance.
The cruel irony? The very disconnection from your emotions, boundaries, and needs that helped you survive then is precisely what's blocking your healing now.
Why You Can't Access Your Needs ▮▮▮▮▮▮▯▯▯▯ 60%
"What do I want? What do I need?"
"How the fuck am I supposed to know?"
Yes, it's completely normal to be a fully-functioning adult who can manage complex work responsibilities, maintain relationships, and keep life running—yet have absolutely no idea what you actually want or need.
This isn't a character flaw. It's the predictable outcome of trauma.
When you tried to express discomfort as your boundaries were trampled, what happened?
"You're too much."
"You're being dramatic."
"It's all in your head."
"Stop being so sensitive."
"You're making things up."
Each dismissal, each invalidation taught you something crucial: Having needs is dangerous. Expressing them is worse.
Vague emotions became easier to push down. Unclear needs became safer than specific ones. The less you knew about what you wanted, the less painful it was when those wants were ignored or punished.
The Silencing Cycle ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▯▯▯ 70%
We don't just silence ourselves once. We build elaborate internal systems to prevent needs from even forming.
The pattern works like this:
You feel something (a need, a boundary, a desire)
You begin to express it
You're met with invalidation or punishment
You experience shame, pain, or fear
You internalise the abuser's voice
You silence yourself before even feeling the need next time
Eventually, you don't need external people to silence you. You've installed their voices in your head, and they work 24/7 to keep you "safe" by keeping you disconnected from yourself.
This is how trauma survivors become experts at meeting everyone else's needs while having no fucking clue about their own.
Starting From Scratch ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▯▯ 80%
Deciding to listen to your needs now is radical. You're pushing against years—often decades—of conditioning.
The good news? You don't need to know what you want yet. You just need to want to find out.
Start with what you DON'T like. What makes your blood boil when it happens to others or yourself? We often react viscerally to violations that mirror our own trauma.
That thing that just came to mind? Hold onto it.
Was it injustice?
Being made to feel small?
Being dismissed and not taken seriously?
Being blamed for something that wasn't your fault?
Being judged for your emotions?
Follow these loud feelings. They're signposts pointing toward your actual needs.
If you hate being dismissed, you likely need acknowledgment and validation. If you hate being controlled, you likely need autonomy and choice. If you hate being abandoned, you likely need consistency and presence.
Your triggers are trauma responses, yes—but they're also valuable information about what matters to you.
Practical Exercises ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▯ 90%
Exercise 1: The Protection Question
Think back to your past. When did you desperately wish someone had stood up for you or fought for you? How specifically did you want them to protect you? What would that have looked like?
Exercise 2: The Double Standard Hack
Imagine someone you deeply care about—a friend, partner, child, pet, or even a favourite fictional character. If they were struggling with exactly what you're struggling with right now, what would you do for them?
What would you say?
What boundaries would you set for them?
What comfort would you offer?
What advice would you give?
Now, do those exact things for yourself.
Yes, it will feel weird, cringey, and intensely uncomfortable. That discomfort isn't a sign you're doing it wrong—it's evidence you're challenging the trauma-based programming. Keep going. This is what change feels like.
Exercise 3: The Daily Check-In
Three times daily, ask yourself:
What am I feeling in my body right now?
What might that feeling be trying to tell me?
What's one small thing I could do to respond to that information?
Start absurdly small. Need rest? Take a 30-second break to close your eyes. Need connection? Send a text to someone safe. Need autonomy? Make one tiny choice that's just for you.
Moving Forward ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ 100%
Reconnecting with your needs isn't a linear process. You'll have breakthroughs followed by setbacks. You'll discover a need, honor it beautifully, then completely forget how to do that for weeks.
This is normal. Trauma recovery isn't about perfect progress—it's about gradually shifting the balance toward self-connection.
Each time you notice a need—even if you don't meet it—you're rewiring neural pathways. Each time you take even the smallest action to honor your needs, you're contradicting the trauma messaging.
The goal isn't to become someone who always knows what they need. The goal is to become someone who's willing to keep asking the question, even when the answer isn't clear.
Your needs matter. Not because you earn them through achievement or deserve them through suffering, but because you exist. Full stop.
