Trauma and the shame of spending money on yourself: Breaking the self-sacrifice cycle
Reading time: 6 minutes
The Trauma-Money Connection ▮▮▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯ 20%
The £45 face cream sits in your online basket. You've researched it thoroughly. You know your skin needs it. You can objectively afford it.
Yet your finger hovers over the "Complete Purchase" button as if it might electrocute you.
The voice starts: "Do you really need this? That's so extravagant. Who do you think you are? There are people starving, and you're buying luxury skincare?"
This isn't about financial responsibility. It's about trauma.
Self-Sacrifice as Survival ▮▮▮▮▯▯▯▯▯▯ 40%
One of the first lessons trauma teaches is self-sacrifice. It's rarely about earning love or attention—it's about avoiding punishment, shame, and pain.
The equation was simple:
Meet others' needs = Avoid negative consequences
Prioritize your needs = Invite danger
This wasn't a preference or personality trait. It was survival.
When your physical or emotional safety depended on anticipating and meeting others' needs, self-sacrifice wasn't a choice—it was the only option. Your nervous system encoded this pattern deeply: Self-needs = Danger.
The Pendulum Effect ▮▮▮▮▮▮▯▯▯▯ 60%
As you heal, you begin setting boundaries. You start saying no. You take time for yourself. You begin considering your own needs.
Progress, lovely. Well done.
Then suddenly—WHAM!—the pendulum swings back with crushing force. Guilt, shame, and self-judgment smack you in the face. The internal accusations begin:
"You're becoming just like them."
"You're so selfish now."
"Who do you think you are?"
"You don't deserve this."
When you've lived in a world where having needs was punished as "selfish," listening to those needs can feel like you're transforming into the most self-centred, narcissistic asshole you swore you'd never become.
The Narcissism Fear Trap ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▯▯▯ 70%
Here's where I need to kindly but brutally check you.
Even if you tried with every fibre of your being to focus solely on your needs right now, you would struggle to nudge that pendulum into a healthy middle ground—let alone swing it all the way into actual narcissism territory.
It's like fearing you'll accidentally train too hard and win the Olympic triathlon. Your risk is approximately zero.
FYI: Actual narcissists don't worry about being too selfish or narcissistic. Your concern itself is diagnostic of the opposite.
However, you will feel selfish—because that's what you were branded when you dared express needs or defend boundaries. This self-policing served your abusers well. It kept you small, compliant, and focused on their needs instead of yours.
Money: The Quantifiable Need ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▯▯ 80%
Spending money on yourself is particularly triggering because it attaches a specific number to meeting your needs. Unlike other forms of self-care, you can't escape the price tag and its accompanying cringe, shame, and doubt.
Boundaries around time and energy feel like vague units. But money? Money is a hard number that shows you the opportunity cost with brutal clarity.
"I could have spent this £30 on groceries for everyone."
"This £100 could have gone toward someone else's birthday gift."
"Who am I to spend £140 on therapy when others need help more?"
The specific number becomes undeniable ammunition for your guilt gremlin. This isn't you sucking at recovery—this is recovery at level hard.
Practical Rebellion Steps ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▯ 90%
I invite you to tap into your inbuilt anger and stubbornness. Reclaiming your needs can be the biggest FUCK YOU to your abusers. And doesn't that feel satisfying?
Step 1: Identify the Rules
What money rules did your abusers hold dear?
"Don't waste money on yourself"
"Always choose the cheapest option"
"Luxury is for selfish people"
"You should feel guilty for wanting nice things"
Step 2: Break Them Deliberately
Choose one rule to break each week. Start where the emotional charge feels manageable:
Buy the premium version of something you'd normally get the cheapest version of
Purchase something purely because it brings you joy, not because it's "necessary"
Treat yourself to an experience your abuser would have called "wasteful"
Step 3: Sit with the Discomfort
When the shame hits, don't fight it. Notice where you feel it in your body. Remind yourself: "This is old programming. This discomfort is evidence I'm healing."
Step 4: Practice Regularly
Like any skill, this gets easier with repetition:
Start small with a special coffee or meal
Work up to medium purchases like clothing or experiences
Eventually tackle bigger investments in yourself like education, travel, or health
Remember: This is your adult money. You earned it. You manage it. You answer to no one.
Moving Forward ▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮▮ 100%
The relationship between trauma and money runs deep. Your spending patterns aren't just financial habits—they're reflections of your relationship with yourself.
When you struggle to spend money on yourself, you're not failing at financial management. You're encountering a trauma response that protected you once but limits you now.
Each time you consciously choose to meet your own needs—financial or otherwise—you're rewiring neural pathways. You're teaching your nervous system a new equation:
Self-needs = Safety
Self-care = Strength
Self-worth = Non-negotiable
The guilt will fade with practice. The shame will lose its sting. And eventually, you'll buy that face cream, book that holiday, or invest in that course without the crushing weight of self-judgment.
Not because you've become “selfish”, but because you're becoming the free, happy, and wild self you were always meant to be.
